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Writer's pictureDaniel Cuesta

What Defines A Friend? It Takes 200 Hours.


Friends Are Like Planets


“... At times, they are closer, and at others, they are more distant. Yet they continue to orbit in the same universe while holding each other within their gravity.”


My mama told me that one night, when I came home distraught, all my friendships “seemed like” messes; they really weren't, but of course, everything worth fighting for has its battles.


Fast-forward: I’m 19, in college, and nostalgic about the days of late-night drives, campfire smoke, and post-church dines.


Hearing from a “friend” might vary from once a week to once a month. But somehow, whenever we come home from wherever we were, some of us get together again, and it's as if the time hasn’t passed.


We go out for dinner, stay out late driving, and gather around to share our stories.

Why?


Because friends, the real ones at least, are “Like Planets.” At times, they are closer, and at others, they are farther, but at the end of the day, when it counts, they’re all holding each other within their gravity, even if thousands of miles stand between them. They create a support system that traverses land and sea, one that doesn't depend on our fickle natures or forgetfulness but brings together the humanity in each of us.


How’s your friendship solar system doing?


Now, just like our incredible and elegantly well-designed Milky Way, the Solar System of your relationships has both the complexities that make life spring up and conditions under which it may seem impossible to thrive.


In other words, the situations surrounding your friendships or how you approach connections will dictate whether or not they become genuine and long-term.


According to a University of Kansas study done on the matter, it takes between 40 and 60 hours to form a casual friendship, 80 to 100 to be a real friend, and, if you want to go all the way and have a “good friend,” then the research shows it takes over 200 hours to get there.*


This notion is critical to understanding the essence of this article. When referring to friends, we are not talking about those you “know about,” have classes or worked with, or wouldn't mind inviting to a party.


No. The friends qualifying as “planets” within your solar system are those that you have at least spent 40 to 60 hours with. Anyone with more than 60 hours is all the more eligible.


(For reference, if you spend an hour a day in a one-on-one or small group setting with a person, then after forty days, you may reach the threshold of friendship. Realistically, no one is doing that, and the number of people who are gets lower and lower as the kind of " friend " category goes up.)


Your relationship's Solar System comprises you and those around you who come in and out of your life. Broadly speaking, these people can be categorized as strangers, acquaintances, neighbors, work connections, and, most notably, friends.

I mention this distinction because we seem too quick to label someone a friend when we barely know them or they’re a “friend of a friend” and feel guilt-tripped into embracing them as our own (allow me to say it’s quite okay not to).


This term is being used too lightly and, as a result, is beginning to lose value and meaning.


Those people are more like acquaintances, work connections, or strangers with familiar faces. We can not and should not use the same term of “friend” when speaking of them because it would be an injustice to those who certainly are.

In the context of the analogy, these people and their interactions with them mirror more that of a casual number of countless stars or a passing meteorite. They are not as big or as “great” as planets, yet they are neither insignificant nor without their role and purpose.


They brighten your day, teach you a lesson, or are a valuable source of knowledge. They might one day upgrade and become true friends. But for now, you must realize they aren't, and that's okay. We wish on shooting stars all the time; they're a part of life, too.


That settled... who are the planets in your life, the friendships that matter and last, that bring stability with gravitas?


---


Returning to my earlier story about fireside smoke and midnight drives, we all get back together as if nothing has changed because an enormous brunt of the work has already been done.


The 200 hours have already been put in.


The bond, the love, and the connection are strong, and they have survived the testing. These are the people with whom I've grown up and faced life's most strenuous challenges alongside.


Your friends today are likely not the same ones you had in past years. Your inner circle has developed over time, and your childhood best friend no longer lives two houses down from you.


That’s alright; times pass, and we develop and grow. Knowing who’s a friend, who's on their way to being one, and who just entirely isn't is not one is valuable beyond measure.


If time is our most valuable resource, it will also help you understand where your investments have been profitable and where you may need to cut a loss or consider reinvesting.


In times of difficulty and triumph, you will know who you can mourn and celebrate with. You will know who your support system really is.


---

This week, take a moment to sort through your friendships.


Find the ones whose gravity keeps you grounded. If it's been some time, maybe reach out to one. Send them a quick text telling them you are grateful for their love, support, and loyalty.


Remember, “Friends Are Like Planets,” make those 200 hours count.


- Making The Most Of Being Curious Daniel J. Cuesta


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